Love and Loss
by imakemyownluck
Summary: Tony and Ziva cannot stop fighting. It is all they seem to do nowadays...   Tiva. Bad Summary, but please give it a shot! ONE-Shot. Also sorta song fic...I Just Can't Live A Lie by Carrie Underwood!


**A/N: I know i haven't updated anything in awhile but i have this performance that means alot ot me and i don't have that much time to write but after April 3rd, i should be back in action!:) sorry if that bothers you, but, i am trying my hardest. I wrote this because i heard the song... I Just Can't Live a Lie by Carrie Underwood. and i had too, doesn't really follow the song in the end but whateve!**

**xoxooxox

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Ziva walked out of the house fuming. She stomped down the steps and to her car. Once she was in her car, she took a deep breath and rested her head against the steering wheel.

Her and Tony had just fought about a stupid little thing that really wasn't a big deal. She had changed his load from the washer to the dryer and in the end, she shrunk his favorite dress shirt. Tony freaked out, yelling and cursing. He stormed out of their living room and slammed the bedroom door.

She also hadn't handled it well and screamed some nasty things back at him. This was the first time she had actually left the house. Normally she would storming into the kitchen and then about a hour later they would talk it out.

Now she sat in her car, tears streaming down her face as she tried to forget everything nasty they had just said to them. She rested her head against her palms and tried to control the breathing. She looked back up at the apartment that Tony and her had bought about a month ago. The first few weeks were easy, the "honeymoon" phase others would call it. Now the big guns were pulled out and it tore them apart, showing each of their imperfections.

Ziva took a steady breath and started her car. She turned on the radio and drove off to Gibb's house.

**_Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you_**

**_And maybe turning back would be that much easier_**

**_Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange_**

**_But I can't watch you walk away_**

**_Could I forget about the way it feels to touch you_**

**_And all about the good times that we've been through_**

**_Could I wake up without you ever day_**

**_And would let you walk away_**

**_NO I can't learn to live without_**

**_And I can't give up on us now_**

**_Oh I know I could say were through_**

**_And some might say I'm over you_**

**_But even if I made a vow_**

**_I promise I not to miss you now_**

**_And try to hide the truth inside_**

**_I'd fail cause, I just can't live a lie._**

Ziva chuckled at the song and how it was almost exactly like her life. She loved Tony, she did, but, she didn't know how much more she could take of the fighting. Especially because of her condition now.

As Ziva pulled into from of Gibbs house and turned off the engine, she stepped out of the car and slowly walked up to his front door. She opened the door without knocking because this really was her home away from home.

"Gibbs." She said calling into the house. She walked into the kitchen and started water for tea. On the ride over here, her face had evened out and she didn't look like she was crying.

"Ziva?" Gibbs said coming up the basement steps. "What happened?" He said knowing why she had come over.

Ziva sat down at his table and rested her head in her hands. "I don't know if I can keep doing this."

"If it were easy, then there would be no divorces." Gibbs said sitting next to her.

"But it is. Sometimes, everything just works out and we are able to sit under the same roof. I just… we are just… uh… I have a certain way of doing things and I could try and do something for him and then… it is always wrong." Ziva said.

"Ziver," Gibbs said. "This relationship is all about give and take, all of it. He does something, then you give something and then the other way around. I believe that I know both of you and I think that you have to talk more. It is also about communication. Have you told him what you are feeling?"

"Ya." Ziva said quietly.

"Really," Gibbs said. "Let me tell you something about DiNozzo. He needs direct communication. No reading in between the lines and definitely no….oh I hope he finds the hidden message, because he will never find it."

Ziva said nothing. She knew deep down that they never really did talk about the important things. She also knew, that she couldn't lie anymore.

"Need any help with that boat?" Ziva asked changing the subject deliberately.

"You go down, I'll bring down the tea when it is ready." Gibbs said nodding towards the stove.

Ziva acknowledged him and went down the wooden steps. They creaked as she walked and went straight over to the work bench and grabbed sand paper and begun to work.

Gibbs sat at his kitchen table, sighing. He knew that Tony and Ziva were in a rough patch.

"Gibbs." He said answering his phone.

"Boss! I can't find Ziva." Tony said in a worried tone.

" I guess she will show up somewhere." He said stopping the water from over boiling onto the stove.

"If she comes to your house, call me." Tony said before hanging up.

Gibbs brought tea down to Ziva.

"Thanks." She said taking the tea and having a sip before placing it down on the table.

"No problem. I am guessing that DiNozzo doesn't know that you are hear?" Gibbs said.

"Ya," She said. "I just left."

"He must be worried." Gibbs said.

Ziva laughed. "He doesn't miss me. I am sure he hasn't even noticed that I am gone yet."

"I don't know about that." Gibbs said.

Ziva wiped a tear off her cheek.

"Let him worry." Ziva said coldly.

"Is it really that easy?" Gibbs asked.

"Huh?"

"Is it easy to forget everything you guys fought for? What about the little things that he does that make you smile, or the times when he stares at you in the bullpen and you start blushing." Gibbs said. "Can you really pretend that you do not feel anything?"

"HE IS THE ONE MAD AT ME!" Ziva yelled. "He is angry because I said no to marrying him." She breathed heavily and let the tears fall down her face.

"You said no?" Gibbs said calmly.

"I was afraid. I liked what we had. We had something special and something that seemed so fragile. It was like everything we did was just perfect and that it would go on forever, but when he asked. I felt like walls were caving in and that I was being pushed. I just wanted more time before the marriage or even thinking about it. I didn't think we needed marriage." Ziva cried.

Gibbs walked up to Ziva and wrapped his arms around her. "What about now?"

"I miss him." Ziva said sadly. "I miss the way we were. Now he hardly touches me and not even holding my hand. I feel like a leper. We fight al the time and I am sure I haven't kissed him in over three weeks. He doesn't joke anymore, he is always serious and I cannot even find the things that I always loved about him. He sits on the far side of the couch when we watch TV. I just… I feel like everything is falling apart."

T Tears now soaked Gibbs's shirt.

"I ruined everything and I don't know how to fix it." Ziva said.

When Gibbs said nothing, she continued.

"Gibbs, it has to be fixed." She stated. She looked down, "I am pregnant."

Gibbs held her tighter. "How long?"

"I have known for about two weeks but I am about six weeks pregnant. I am afraid that if I say that I want to marry him, he will think it is because of the baby." Ziva said clutching Gibbs.

**Four hours later**

Tony drove past Gibbs' house and saw Ziva's car on the side. He ran up to the house and entered without knocking.

"GIBBS!" Tony yelled, slightly out of breath.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs yelled back.

"Why didn't you tell me she was here?" Tony yelled, "I have been worried sick trying to find her. I thought I lost her agia-"

Tony stopped abruptly, realizing what he said.

"Do you know what it is like to lose something you love?" Gibbs asked.

Tony remained quiet. "I lost her once." He whispered. Tony looked up at Gibbs pleading for answers, for her.

"Downstairs." Gibbs said.

Tony nodded and walked to the basement steps. He walked down and found Ziva's back towards him. She was sitting on the ground cleaning a rifle. Tony smiled and finished coming down the stairs.

"Gibbs, you should really clean this more often, it is disgusting." She laughed.

"I'll make sure to tell him." Tony said walking towards her but stopping.

Ziva turned around and stood up at the sound of Tony's voice.

"You are here." She whispered.

"Ya, I would have came sooner, but I was too busy searching the streets for you." Tony said. "I thought something bad had happened to you."

Tony took a step closer and tried to find her eyes, which were avoiding his.

"I am sorry." He said.

"For what?" Ziva asked. "I am the one who messed up."

"You did nothing wrong." Tony said getting about an arm's length away from her. "I shouldn't have yelled, it really wasn't that big a deal."

"I-" Ziva started then stopped trying to hold back tears.

Tony walked closer now, standing directly in front of her and felt her heart beat get faster. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her close to him. Ziva melted into his chest. She missed this. She missed him holding her, making her feel safe.

"Tony." She whispered.

Tony kissed her hair then pulled away a little "Ya?"

"I cannot live a lie." She said.

Tony pulled away and looked at her. His arms slid to his sides. "You don't love me."

"I do!" Ziva said quickly. "I mean, I cannot continue lying about us. Tony, I was scared when you asked me to marry you. Actually, if I am being honest, I was petrified. I said 'no' not because I did not want to, but because I was afraid we would lose what we had. It was perfect."

"Why would we lose it?" Tony asked.

"I don't know. I guess I was just…I am also afraid of commitment in the sense that I do not want to let this go and if I did, I don't think I would be able to survive." Ziva said. "Tony, I want to marry you."

"You do." Tony smiled walking closer to her.

"I love you Tony." Ziva smiled.

Tony pulled her close to him and rested his hands on her cheeks. He pulled her face as close as it could come and kissed her. Hard. It was their first kiss in awhile and it was true perfection. It felt normal, as if it was meant to be.

"I thought I lost you." Tony whispered against her lips. "You have never left before and, it scared me cause I couldn't….. I just.. I don't want to lose you again. I love you so much and I don't think I can live without you."

"Tony, there is more." Ziva said.

Tony looked at her confused.

"I am pregnant." She said.

Tony's face went from confused, to blank stare. After a few seconds, he smiled, big. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her as close as she could come before kissing her again.

"We're having a baby." Tony smiled.

Ziva nodded.

Tony got down on his knees and lifted up Ziva's shirt to reveal her stomach.

"Hi baby," Tony smiled looking up and Ziva then back at her stomach. "I am your daddy. I am so excited to meet you. You have this wonderful mommy and she is going to take care of you while you lounge in your little water bed." Tony brought his hand up to her stomach. "I think I love you more than your mommy because you are a part of her now and I love everything about your mommy." Tony placed a gentle kiss on Ziva's stomach and rested his forehead against her torso. He leaned against Ziva and smiled. He was one happy man and he was never, ever going to lose her again. He wouldn't let that happen to Ziva or their growing baby. Wow, a baby!

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